On the outskirts

sometimes I feel inadequate. Being surrounded by white Christian college students who share a very similar worldview and manner of expression which I cannot make my own is very tiring.It is only once I start to read that I realize that I am not stupid. That I am not going to college for nothing and that I will be able to bring SOMETHING to this world SOMEWHERE.

It’s difficult, this environment. The perpetual feeling of exclusion. I do not imagine it, I do not falsely perceive it. Once I realized how much I had embraced it and rejected other things negatively, I somewhat blamed myself for this. Yet the reality is that I am different and I will never not be different. I can be different and not reject but how to communicate this.

I do want to be a hermit sometimes. But again, even reading these first assignments, I am truly starting to make links with what stirs my soul. I am truly beginning to be able to take ownership of my skills, my worldview, my desires and dreams. The Marginalized. Even writing this makes my heart swell. “rising unemployment among youth, sex and child trafficking, drug abuse and violence against women must be adequately addressed to assure social and economic stability. implementation of prevention and care programs have proved difficult for at risk groups such as squatters, cross-border pop, ethnic minorities due to their social or geographical marginalization”. 

Notes I took from my reading… that I highlighted among all the other important information. Because I recognize that THIS is what I want to do . This is what I have a heart for. And yes, it is DEFINITELY because of my own history, my own story. Maybe my own story shaped itself out of a deeper want to understand this… To reflect exteriorly what I had always felt on the inside.

  • Others
  • different
  • weird
  • obnoxious
  • opinionated
  • sketch

I’ve been called so many of these things and have a deep fear of being them. My brain associates this with something WRONG. something VERY VERY WRONG that needs to be changed, that I need to go get fixed somewhere and that I can’t and need to hide because I know it will never NOT be a part of me and because I really don’t want to not be myself, a Deep Sadness of never feeling like I will ever be accepted.

The times I have felt accepted were probably also misperceptions. I am trying so hard these days not to intentionally check out and be on the outskirts, fading away into a deep hole of darkness. But the reality is that I’m so tired of erring in the midst of others that I feel nothing with. I’ve been told I don’t need to feel anything. And yes, I do appreciate being alone with myself. A LOT. more than anything… or at least that’s what I try to tell myself because I’m tired of being bored and tired of the intensity of my attachment when I do feel something.

I know that out there, somewhere, there are people like me. Sometimes I think that everyone is like me, on the inside. that the part like me is just sleeping and that someday the switch will be flipped… but maybe not.

Maybe We are literally ALL COMPLELTY different. How do you connect then? And how is it so difficult for me to connect? Or am I falsely perceiving connections of others because I assume they feel something if they are talking and yet actually feel nothing.

 

I want to dream. I want to hope. I want to do things with my hands.

 

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