I did not want to blog. However I am about to head out to a village for a week without electricity before heading back to Doi Saket and speaking with mi madre last night I thought I might give a heyo before this last stretch.
This weekend was a nice time with Bethany and Pete’s family. We relaxed, went to the mall, did my Christmas shopping in October, killed my feet walking around walking street for hours carrying my heavy computer ridden bag, the new hoola hoop I acquired and eating coconut ice cream.. Hmmm. The half and hour foot massage we had I feel was enough to rub into the tightness and awaken the pain. I was sooo sore all over saturday night but specifically my knees were very swollen and my feet. Still, I didn’t manage to sleep well nor did I sunday. We are tired and worn out and a little on edge. I know for myself I am at the point where I would usually retreat to gather myself for I am beginning to hear the things that come out of my mouth and know the way people think I am looking at them and I don’t like it!
There has been an extremely amazing flow from the Spirit however. On Sunday Pete’s wife, Mary brought us to theSingha tea plantation. I felt like Alice in Wonderland. Despite my tired, need of alone-time usual poised self I let the mazes and trees and light awaken that little childish girl that ran around giddy as can be and then enjoyed some delicious roselle mulberry tea on big fluffy cushions.
Here I enjoyed speaking with Mary and Bethany. A question arose that I was thankful for the approach it allowed me to take. Mary, who graduated UC Davis with a Music Major asked me if I was going to pursue a career in music. This allowed me to express my desire to connect and help heal through art, self expression and acceptance. This is not something I can usually express and I was so very thankful.
It has been on my mind a lot lately, the gratitude I have for people who have SEEN me. How this is what I have always wanted and have been hurt by not being seen, by what I’ve felt as being judged, being rejected and being painted as something I did not appreciate. I was always afraid hurt and mad about this so I would decide to paint myself as a statement. If people wanted to judge I thought, at least I want to be in control of what people are judging, I want to be the one that is making them have this reaction of repulsion and I want to be the one despising. But it is the people, friends, teachers, mentors, strangers who have not assumed or have seen something else. Who have engaged me in a way that recognizes an inherent value and uniqueness in my personhood that is not something strange or displaced but that is useful and powerful. People who believed without me having to do anything whatsoever. People who help me dream and own the true me, not the one that I have built up to fight off the fear of being misunderstood, rejected and alone. It is in meeting and interacting in these ways that I have the assurance that in owning myself, in assuming that others can see me even if it might take time, I know that along the path more of myself, of this world and of unique individuals will reveal themselves. I’m not sure where this initial thought comes from, but each person in our lives reveals a part of ourselves. How beautiful to know there are parts of our selves we have not even met yet. Do not be afraid, in vulnerability you find the greatest strength.
There is a balance in accepting yourself, not being sorry for who you are and being willing to humbly, lovingly interact with others to understand differences, to accept their own differences and to be at peace. Recognize their might be a mistake, a miscommunication of intention and have room to forgive, room for grace and yet still have your own personhood and be ok with owning, growing.
So much is happening in my heart and mind, bridges being built that might lead me to many places, yet I am trusting I will know each step to take day by day and not fret over what next month, semester, year will bring.
Yesterday was our last full day at the office, spent working on children’s profiles from the Burmese center. Last night we went to Grace Home for the last time and ran around the Night Bassshaar 😉
Another short and troubled night of sleep brings us to this morning and yet a great time of learning and inspiration as we visited an organization started by a lawyer who had been unjustly accused of involvement in the drug trade, fought his charges and cleared his name and is now very involved in defending and educating people on their rights and on fighting corruption.
We had to write reports and evaluations of our time here wish was a good source for reflection. I am very thankful for the diversity of situations we have been in and the ability to sit in on so many different meetings, witnessing first hand the inter workings of an organization on the ground and on paper.
We are about to have a staff lunch and then will be heading off to Khun Chit’s Karen village up in the mountains.
Please send blessings of grace, peace and tidings of love and connection as we enter this last stretch with slight ailments and raw edges.
Thank you so much for all of your prayers and support. I love everything I have been speaking to you about and please please please continue to let me know what these musings have arising in your hearts and minds it is very inspiring and affirming for me and I want to continue to help break down other’s walls as well as my own. We can do this together.
Much love and light