It’s interesting to think of how little I’ve blogged in this last stretch. Even Bethany, my wonderful daily blogger I’m pretty sure is down to one a week?
So many things to process. So many cycling emotions and feelings. My words slip into each other and I lose focus as I say them. I get into the habit of not catching and correcting the slip but going back to what my instinct expressed and messing with the funny pronunciation of the word. I’ve been surrounded by too many different accents and messing around with pronunciations for fun a lot. Maybe my stoner surfer cali talk is finally fading away. The talk that when I hear recorded my eyes widen… do I seriously sound that stoned? Now I understand why my mother would ask what was wrong with me when I would get her on the phone the little I did. Something with the slowness of the intonation. There is a weighted breath.. Everything is chiilll. But sometimes its not and my words flush out to a quick beating heat from my heart that makes my whole insides beat fast fast. This has happened a lot. Something pikes me and I HAVE to speak. I feel the fire burning me from inside. The blood is pumping and I literally become shacky. How to harness this? One of my most disliked sentences I’ve heard this semester “Reign it in”. For me it stands for everything that pisses me off about “mainstream” America. Everything that leads to the other extremes. People don’t know how to let it out without freaking out so they end up either boring as heck or crazy uncontrolled. Degenerates. Most likely appreciate that denomination. I know I would’ve not too long ago. There’s something so seemingly fulfilling about yelling out who you are and what you are feeling. You want to shove it into people’s faces that YOU FEEL. They totally don’t. You do. Theres a point to this. I’m not sure what it is. Most of the time I never am. But I know there’s a point. And this is why I guess. I’ve wondered. Whether or not there’s a point to yelling yourself out like that? I’m listening to really emotionally real easing and spurring music right now. It’s helping me strive for an answer, strive to leave a mark, strive to make some sense even if it’s seemingly no sense right away. I picture myself in this floaty environment with so much debri coming towards me or out of me? and it’s just unending and expanding. But somehow I’m growing. My ability to fathom encompassing it is growing. The picture. My arms are also expanding and though the mass of things shit and beautify things I have to take is also expanding; I feel that there is a different level. A level of where we are growing together. We are feeling each other. I am understanding. And perhaps some day I’ll finally be able to put my arms around it and I’ll see what my arms are holding and it will be a time of illumination and it will help everyone understand and express and connect. But in the mean time, and if I can ever attain and facilitate this I have to continue growing, I have to be with this spirit, I have to embrace its flow of life and let it move through me even though I understand nothing of it. I comprehend that it has a purpose.
SO I ask… What is reigning it in? WHY does it still piss me off? Am I not trying to reign my life in? Am I not trying to put frameworks and structures on everything that goes through my subconscious? Have I not built barriers to beautiful things in this world like fantasies and faeries and magical gardens and deep love and friendship because they do not serve my immediate goals and aspirations, they are not in the equation or they have too many variable that are unstable and can lead to hurt.
Hurt is bad. It’s not efficient. And this is where you see. Where we are all the same. Whether you are boring or degenerate or hiding one or the other. What you are really hiding is the pain. The fear. GOD WHY? Seriously why is it so difficult to face? Is it because if we face it and we don’t know there is a meaning to it all, then we are sure there’s only a deep dark ditch. My mind is going around is circles. I’m not sure I’m conveying the movement of my soul and heart. THe mind is looking for language that computes with this. Perhaps if you were sitting across from me you would know what I mean. And you would begin to tap into this space I’m telling you of. It’s pretty magical. But we understand so little of it. What is not mechanistic structures. What is just the breath of the earth and the people. The movements of emotions we all suppress and put into clean little boxes. And you are definitely kidding yourself if you think you are not in a box. You just made one that is totally the opposite of another or that is built with different types of walls than its ceiling. Humans are structures no matter what. It’s how we function. It’s what I want to study more of. It’s what being in different structures and among different personalities and trying to shape myself and define myself has made me feel on the verge of sanity more now, sober, than ever before.
SHOUTING who you are, who you are not and that you just don’t GAF is the most boring thing you can do. It’s the SAFEST bet to play. It’s not daring. It’s looking for a safe space where no one can actually see you they just see that you are shouting. What if we all shouted really beautiful things? WHat if we didn’t have to shout them?
I have learned this lesson before. That I say I love all humans. And yet It’s so hard for me to love those average “boring” humans. seriously. I’m tired. I’m tired of being misunderstood. I’m tired of these masks. I’m tired of thinking I can take the mask off and end up in a whole new structure of masks that are HILARIOUSLY UNPROFOUND. We had a debrief session this morning. Emotional Processing. Phases of grieving. What do you feel now? Sad and mad. Sorry.
I do not wish to offend anyone maybe internet is safe of confrontation that I do not have to deal with. But it is also my promise to myself. That I cannot do this anymore. Either the stifling of emotions or the pursuit of false emotions. Thailand has taught me what the long haul “boring” relationships can bring. But it has also DIRELY reminded me of how much I want us to feel and maybe that’s selfish? That I want to slap people so that they wake up? Maybe it’s the triply music I’m listening to . I should go listen to something that is calming. right right? NO. I want to feel fully. And I want to believe that it is possible that through all of this, through the roller coaster that is my emotional life I might be able to reach some stop points and that I might be able to share my breath of life with others. The hardest part I’ve learned this semester is SUBMISSION. YA. I know that is a really hard thing for you to imagine me doing.
I’ve actually submitted to many things in life. The issue is usually to what and how. Intensily. Or intensely reject. or try to shape.. Parents, teachers, peers, lovers. I still don’t understand the variations or the turning points of my submission or when I begin to despise the feelings of loss of identity or when i willfully abandon all sense of self. Maybe I just inherently know that what I do or am to your eyes doesn’t really matter. Though it does. Something deeper though. Sometimes I have conversations and wonder what the heck I’m talking about or trying to talk about. The things I’m describing, will they ever make sense ? Will anything ever untangle itself?
Anyways. Submission. To culture. That is where it began here. You have to dress a certain way. You have to act a certain way. To a schedule. You have a set schedule. You don’t have the time to make your own. And why would you? Everything we do is really awesome. So submit to this in joy and enjoy everything! Why would you get pissed about being controlled if you are being led to something you would want to wander to on your own anyways? Why do you feel like there is something taken from you if you can’t control the way you get somewhere? I submitted to my elders. The hardest. I do not like someone being right. Most of the time its not about being right or wrong. It’s about how you treat people… I’m not sure if I totally get that. It doesn’t fit with our culture . We talk about people mattering but why? Perhaps because there is a totally different structure of balances that we are totally oblivious too yet which we inherently understand the presence of. The issue is this is so often misunderstood and we get riled up and mix it… Just think of any political debate.
So in Thailand. I relearned how to submit to authority. How to respect this. How we are all statues. And everything we do shapes us. If you release the reigns you knows what will be happen you might totaly crumble. You probably will if you forget that you even have a statue. And if you keep in the reigns you might miss out on something and actually be unable to keep the statue up cos it ll just overflow…
Pretty much… I’m starting to be somewhat conciliated to structure. Who does not admire the beautiful architecture of European Cathedrals?
And I have come to embrace the structures that others have adopted. And I wish to learn their languages not to reject them. I want to communicate with them through this cultural forms other human realities that they have forgotten. They express them but I want to help tap deeper into them. I mean to say that I have rejected “mainstream” American culture. I have rejected Christian culture and I have come to only appreciate and connect with “rejects” or self ostracized individuals. But this is not all inclusive and when I say I truly desire community I REALLY mean a diverse community. I don’t want to just forefront communities which are built by all the same types of people that can just go on ignoring a whole group of others. So Thailand has taught me the beauty of Americans. And I find myself desiring to connect more and more with them.
Two weeks ago I spent a day in silence. It got me pretty emotionally messed up. I realized all the bad things I think about people. I realized the way people interact with each other. I was hurt by being ignored though I was in the midsts of people and I came to realize how I usually feel every day. That no one really listens to what I say. No one really cares how I feel. It’s easier to ignore it. Coming to terms with these feelings and expressing them has brought me a step closer. To opening my heart.
Tuesday we had an awesome cooking class in Doi Saket with a great restaurant owner who took away all my French anxieties of expectations. Wednesday I presented my final Art Project and my Religion in tribal and modern societies paper. Friday I turned in that paper and my Community Development project (Brace Yourself Westmont).
Friday I said goodbye to Ajarn Guila. Saturday we had our Thanksgiving celebration. Saturday Ajarn Michael left. Goodbyes.
It felt weird to not have things to do. Classes. Projects. Papers. We went to Thai Church on sunday at Aj Martings’ house. Mostly a Thai feeling. It was serene and peaceful and enjoyable. I realized the Lahu do not belong here. And though I love the villages. The time in the Karen village was so happy and peaceful. The time the week before in the coffee village (yes we harvested coffee) was great. But they know they are being taken advantage of. They know they are not truly welcome. They know they are not Thai. I understood this in seeing the ease of the Thai and how easy it is to let this surround you and I understood why I could not just tap into the village feel. Because I think part of village feel is the awareness of its impermeability.
Monday and Tuesday we went to the Mountains and it was beautiful. We spent sweet time in Elfish fairy country. Among beautiful waterfalls and flowers and trees and jedis and birds. It was like trying to jumpstart my heart into feeling. I got back feeling very sick. Sick and tired. Today I wondered if it is my body telling me the pain in my heart.
Last night was our last with the Lahu. We danced and laughed around a beautiful fire the boys had set up at our request. (with the intention of teaching them to roast marshmallows). So thankful Miranda pushed on this desire to have a geeing away party. It was very special. It was unbelievable really. Still… It seems unfair to me. And I am sad that this tribe that I love I am not able to have held hand in hand. Perhaps the next Go Ed students will have more opportunities thanks to us? We have built a structure? It is weird… This submission. Yet others shape it. And then I yearn to just be a crazy person dancing around to the beat of my own drum. You can’t take the sky from me… But I have learned that if I truly desire to love everyone I have to love them in a way they understand. So… How do I do this and ALSO inspire them with fresh new waters and dances and joy and sprit and light?
If you read all of this good on ya! YOUR SUGGESTIONS, COMMENTS, RANTS are much appreciated. e.g. we can slap each other awake that would be great. yes because terms of endearment still scare the crap out of me.
THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR PRAYERS AND LOVE.