Maybe if I just spill it all out continuously, eventually all the top stuff will be gone, all the foam and I’ll be at the heat of it all. I’ll know what’ really even on the surface, I’ll be able to twill my finger into the thick substance of my ideas, thoughts, see how they all come together. What kind of drink they make.
I’m at in betweens. Where days are beautiful and peaceful and nights are hard and I fear them. I’ve tried being the light I want to be but it doesn’t seem to enter into the equation. I’ve been afraid of affirming light, affirming my truest, deepest thoughts and desires because I do not like judging. I do not want to judge. But the reality is that we put people into boxes. We have to. How else are we supposed to make sense of the world? Sure we have to be able to change the boxes and have the grace to admit we might have misevaluated but still … trying to act as if we could act in such a way that is non offensive is still acting in a certain way and most of the time can be taken to the extreme of simply not being truly yourself. How can you be real with someone, how can you see someone if you do not reveal your true self to them?
And yet I’ve been feeling the pain of me expressing myself. Of me evaluating my life and others. It’s not possible to be a total relativist. When you have lived things. And you have seen that those things are in no way good, when you recognize those things around you how can you say anything but that they are not good? That would not be truth. My mother once spoke of submission, service, love, friendship meant that you have to give you whole, truest, fullest self to the other. You not being true to your core, you turning a blind eye to things you know are bad, you not having boundaries, you only “giving” is not being the fullest version of yourself.
So how do I know deal with these emotions?
I never ever ever wanted to be like “those judgmental people”. I was just told a friend doesn’t engage with me because they’re afraid of me judging them… That really hurt. Because it hurt me to have become to others someone who judges and to not be seen as a safe place to talk about things. That is the first thing I want to be for people. And yet. I also know that me seeing “those judgmental people” in the way that I did was pretty wrong as well. I judged those people. I assumed they didn’t understand me. Mostly I was hurt that they didn’t wish to engage with me. When they did I chucked them away. How dare you see something in me thats engageable.
I can’t not judge things for what they are. I think people assume that judging something as good or bad means you are equating them to that. Someone linked to a good or bad action thinks you are placing yourself (judger) outside of that category.
How to be there for people. How to inspire health, loving, light filled lives when you are so hurt and mad at the darkness that shackles them? How to truly speak love and light into people?
Not talking to me because I might judge you… I guess I need to meet people where they are. I am grateful beyond words for where I am. I am here because of those who saw me in light. But I guess what hurts most is that I feel like I am too attached to people to not want to be the one that saves them and it hurts so much to have to distance myself from them because I do not want to be enabling something I know is not the way. Because there is already a sight here and I don’t think I can be the one to bring something different. Because I end up being different and not who I want to be. I don’t see them reflecting light to me. Just a past I have cut off. Just stabs I have taken a really long time to heal. And then the ever feeling of being the only one that is always always no matter what no matter when on the outside. That be it with any type of people I am not truly at home. I am just at home alone. Because as soon as I feel at home it’s all up in the air again. And nothing is permanent but change itself.
Today was a beautiful day . It’s only nights that bring such danger to my heart and soul.
I went to a volunteer training and reencountered a beautiful soul I met at Westmont my freshman year. I think this connection along with many others I have been making will bear good fruits.
I have been dreaming aloud. I have been sitting in peace.
Yesterday I sat at the beach. Finally sitting in quiet observance. I thought of how my life had been crashing waves and rocky waters and now was calm seas. I needed to take a step back, slow my pace. Be still and be patient. The life I am to have here needs to breath easily. What are the things that make me anxious and why? Why do I run from them? Why do I fear being alone when elsewhere I revel in it?
Today after my training I felt the smooth waters. The breath. Being where I am and appreciating all of the beauty of the trees and warmth of the sun and air. Reading great class materials, happy to be learning, to be able to have time, to think about things and to look forward to things and yet to just enjoy this beautiful life filled moment. Just like gliding in glassy thick pearly waters. Delightful.
So why are the nights harder? Why do I wish them to go away? I enjoy my room but also dread the closed doors and thick walls. I just know I can’t go to things I know are bad for me and take away from the things that are good for me and yet I want to love people. So people where are ya so I can love you and you an love yourselves?
I want to do art, talk, make tea, drink wine, sing songs and play piano, draw on each other and dance barefoot, hug and laugh and make light and life. Let the love flow. I want to decorate rooms and trees and paint the ceilings and walls and poke stars and roll in sand. I feel like all these people have forgotten they’re really faeries…