Golden hour seems to be passing. Seems to not be a time fo day here in these structured lawns and walls. The air is too pure for there to be darkness to bounce off and be transformed.
I’ve been thinking about you. I’ve told myself know is the time to write. but nothing seems to be flowing from my lips. The door is shutting.
I feel as I usually do when I come face to face with those I love that seem so far away. My mind goes blank. I am buried under earth and wind and water weighted down by the power of the moment. That I find absolutely no space in.
The power of my emotions I think it is that are too smart to not feel the atmosphere but that do not fit into the stupid little carved, gemmed, shined welded door I opened. Nothing is going into that door and I am instantly iced and hardened and thrown into a deep volcano of lava and then pounded on by meteors before simply being thrown into a trambling confused tumbling rumbling daze above the louds out of the clouds seeing all of this world and understanding with great pain that my little hope and beautiful foundation was nothing. mist. sand. glass. shattered and cutting.
Being with you. Being near you. Thinking of you. I cannot deny that it weighs with all of this on my chest. I can barely breath. I am amazed that I spoke to you. That I said most of all I had to say to you. I am amazed. Because I still felt that way. Sick to my stomach. wanting to roll away into a ball of nothing. And yet liberated to feel you again. This world is so weird.
This is not what I had to say.
My heart breaks. Thinking of you not realizing, not seeing, not weighing the beauty of the touch of your soul. I am honestly enraged when I think that you let this be stolen from you. I want to hug you so tight that that stupid black and hard shell around you just breaks. Did someone steal you away in your sleep and dip you into hardened coals? I always hope that my fire will melt them away. Because though you cant feel what is around you this layer put on you can never take away the light that shines through you. Dust cannot take away from the light. it can only dull it and render it unrecognizable to itself and to those who are too superficial and lazy to see the beauty beneath. Too much of assholes to maybe just give one cleansing swipe. I will never understand what the heck happened to you for you to lose this sight. I never understand how best to help you. I always wonder at what things open doors, get planted, grow?
What amazes me the most is that despite how little you seem to give yourself credit for, how much you say you are lost and beyond repair, you still have these amazing attributes that you must know bring light to others. You bring something else. You are a fish in the water with a stupid lantern on your head. You have sight. Don’t lose sight of the end, don’t lose sight of the flow of eternity in every movement of time and space. You see now chose. And please most of all stop being stupid and actually think as highly of yourself as you put on for others. You are an amazing being of light. I am not blinded by my love for you. You are one of the only people I have ever met that gets it. You don’t have the best ways of saying it or enacting it perhaps but you see and you bring joy to so many. Let it come to you. Don’t let the darkness that you also see so well take any ownership of you. Lies. look forward. Look to the horizon beyond this deep sea. I’ve seen you there, I caught my wave, I keep letting the sea take me and be washed and surrounded by this energizing and flowing life. I know not whether you’ll stay laying on the wet shore or if you’ll get up and stand looking blankly at the horizon. But I know you love this water and you know it. So jump in and let it guide you. I’m stopping. Golden Boy you’ll always be adventure I’ll always be lust. Or at least the I and the You we were in those days. Don’t let the hours pass without shining through the clouds and sky.