I haven’t written because I couldn’t think of a theme that inspired me. I haven’t written because I was awaiting for my mind and feelings and creative flow to be in tune with what the required form is. Nothing in my life is barely ever in tune with this required form. What I have been loving so is what I’ve been seeing throughout my education here. I want to laugh it’s so freeing. I’m not laughing in narcissistic self approval and denigration of others. I am just laughing at the absurdity and at the blessed truths I have within me that I see being mirrored . What I speak of. I’m not sure exactly how to express it. I will do my best. There are what people call uncertainties. There are fields and paradoxes and questions raised that seemingly go against each other. This scares people? But to me it simply reveals something sooo much larger! And how all of these elements are pointing to it. So.. if you cannot choose between complete absolutism nor complete relativism as holding the immutable essence of truth do not fret. Rejoice! That neither of these options are built up enough are good enough are beautiful or true enough ( 😉 ) to show all of what is Good and Beautiful and True. But they still point to THE truth in their very shortcoming and they still hold aspects of this Truth in that they in certain lights and breakdowns they appeal to us. So Rejoice! Stop trying to fit blocks into things that do not fit. Take what does and don’t think you do not hold within you the possibility capability and creativity of understanding building and finding something that also points to the Truth. None of us can do it alone. Perhaps this is the First aspect of this Truth. No matter what You will Fall short. But this does not mean You do not hold a beautiful treasure of light within you waiting to be shined and refined. What it does mean is that Diamonds are Beautiful but you can’t have chain necklace of diamonds with one diamond. You are only a portion. You are still to rejoice in your Beauty, marvel in your light and share it with others. You are to see this Light and Love within and without yourself as well as in others.
Just because you only see a part of the Truth does not mean that this is not True or Beautiful or Good. And one of my favorite things is in knowing that this truly is infinite. In the process of recognizing how each instant is unique, how each breath is beautiful. You are eternity. Your story is eternity. There is something that is an unending well you can dive into deeper and deeper like a never ending duck dive into an energizing clear beautiful strong fresh blue wave. I look at my past. And am refreshed in recognizing a different reflection of what it means. I see how even those events, that story can be molded anew in this days interactions. I see how my parents minds can still be twinkled into new light and I marvel at how amazing it is that our minds, hearts and souls have this unending source that we can dive deeper and deeper and wider and higher into. Releasing and rewriting and breathing and stretching and drawing and painting and dancing and swimming and singing and laughing and crying and holding and smiling and rolling and crying out and jumping in happiness. This is what my life is. Along with the quiet contentment and peace that has the treasure of all of these moments within. Floating in still waters, letting their stories transcend and float through you.
It has been an incredible blessing this last semester at Westmont. There is so much of my story that I know feel not only at peace with but able to appreciate and able to recreate. For the first time I want to say in truly ever I can look over these 4 years full of so much pain that before my heart could not handle without gushing in bitter pain and aching death and defeat and loneliness. Today I am in awe and grateful for the ability to look back. To realize what good laid there. I realized today how beautifully pure though naive my first love was. I realize all the good and beauty instilled in it. I realize my worth. That those flowing tears were so true. That I have not had the same effect since. And I know that those tears point to a truth. I know that the short fallings point to a truth as well. What is not. People have been talking to me a lot about how people, the world, Westmont makes you think that life has a bunch of check boxes that you need to check to have the Good Life. And it’s not that simple. But I do think that if you start delimiting territory. Of what is NOT you become surprised of what that leaves space for… Hmm… Like cutting off bad branches… That let good ones grow instead. Or let the Tree itself keep going up and growing out and finding good footing in its roots. And through these roots and through this reach being vitalized by what brings us Life. Streams beneath and Air above.
Someone told me I am a master of the abstract. Someone asked me if I was an artist. Because I speak in painting images.
I posted a status yesterday. One of those time I expected to have 3 likes, for people scrolling down the news feed and be like “Oh man, this person is having a rant moment”. I was really surprised. And I realized. That time and time again it is when I show the truest, the most genuine part of my heart and mind and soul that I resonate. When I let go of what I feel will be seen and when I seriously SHOW myself.
It’s been hard doing that. Because I have been wanting to show myself in a way that is not misguided by my desire to be seen but simply by the flow of life. I want to be loving, true and good to people. I want to be responsible with the images of the lives I have seen and the hope and light that they have placed within me. And coming back to America this means accepting people where they are. This means extending love and this means not putting barriers to bar myself from how painful relationships can be. People are worth it. I am just tired of being hurt. And it is so very hard to admit one is hurt when you know that this is not how things are done in America. You want to speak to them in a language they understand. You want to speak Love above all but how to do this when it comes to shining the light onto your pain and knowing in this world NO ONE WANTS YOUR PAIN. You BEAR your OWN pain. But I build bridges. And I know my heart. So I go forward.
I’ve been growing in Peace and Patience. I’ve been growing in the ability to Be. Still and flow with the soft tides of the calm sea. To let it set me where it will. And to see from these new vantage points. Blessed with all the aspects my eyes become open too. blessed by travelers on the road that pray over me and speak love into me and SEE ME. They have seen light in me and call it out. Blessing upon Blessing.
I have been taking my space. Letting myself be of this environment. I am not running hurdles over my boundaries to get into other peoples camps. For the first time ever I am seeing the beauty of growth of interaction. I’m not sure what before pushed forward this need for immediate recognition and closeness. Some fear. Some need. Now I am happy for space and breath and for growth. For my beautiful inner home that has a beautiful garden and gazebo and that people can come and enjoy the sweet fragrances and cool air and maybe water a little some plants or help me realize what needs to be pulled out. I also don’t need them here. I like my garden. But I do like sometimes to have people come within the home. And I think this is what has been lacking. I need more patience. You can’t just let anyone into your Home. And when you do a whole other array of issues come. Like your porcelain and their loud voices and how they don’t know not to put wet drinks on the piano.
I wanted to write more but I am leaving tomorrow morning for SF at 4am; week of service in a place I first shoved the deepest dark into light. Very excited and happy for what is to come 🙂
I’ll be back. ❤ Send prayers and blessings this awayyy ❤
In Love and Light,