Can we ever achieve it?
I think we would like it to be the way to figure out how to carry all of us and to catch all the falling pieces and to not drown.
My good friend Bethany commented on my Shell Hunting condition in Thailand: “ my dad used to say if you hands are full of shells you won’t be able to pick up the star fish”.
My last post should’ve been about day dreaming. I wrote it while seeping in the sun at my friends beach house in Ventura, a couple days after graduating. A breath of fresh air. I don’t remember the way my mind brought me. I only know there were beautiful thoughts I would’ve like to share with you and that I would’ve liked to read over to help me look at my mind within the storm.
It wasn’t posted. Those thoughts were lost. Why? Something that annoys me but that I would like to act like doesn’t, that I would like to let go of. My computer memory is overwhelmed. Why? Because I want to keep everything, I don’t want to delete things even though to be real I barely ever look at anything… But in my mind its for those times when the inspiration hits, when the dusts have settled that I want to go collect my thoughts and organize them… But in the end it’s just makes it difficult to function right now.
I know I know, we all talk about letting go, not being attached. And then we talk about balance. That we need to be able to have attachments, connections, relationships but not expect them to act the way we want them to and then that we should have built up strong foundations of what is the way we wish to be treated…
I’ve realized recently how detached I have made myself. Last summer I read the Buddhist four ways. I truly found healing and understanding in it. That we should not cling to things. I linked it to CS Lewis’ four loves and understood how I had idolized those I loved, how I had placed expectations on them and yet I also learned last year how I had not put expectations on myself, how I had let myself, my heart, mind and body be abused by those I loved.
It’s finding balance.
Lucidity is still working me. I realized a lot there. I realized I’ve kinda been kidding myself and mostly that it’s time for more growth. That those old paths are to be revisited with new ways. It would be a lie to say I wasn’t scared. And if there is something I have always to the best of my ability held strong to is that I must be true. What has been scary these past years is realizing how you lie to yourself. How you blind yourself. So what can break through those lies, those overhwwleming desires and passions that will shape any situation to what you would like it to resemble, that will bury your bleeding heart and pounding chest? How to recognize that pit feeling of “This is bad” with that turn in your stomach of “I don’t know this”. There are different kinds of scared. There is the scared that is linked with excitement. There is the scared that is tinged in distaste and distrust.
I feel I have been learning to calm my passions and excitement enough to step slowly, slower, to look around, to catch my footing. I am adventuring yet I will not be reckless.
This was something I was struggling with very much last summer into coming back to Santa Barbara though my time in Thailand really helped me… forced me? To experience adventure in a different way than I was letting it be shaped as in my mind.
How can I quench my wanderlust without it being tied to throwing away all caution out the door?
I believe there is a way to live adventurously, excitedly, full of joy and happiness, life, music, love, tears that does not involve being open to being hurt and crushed and abused. That does not involve stumbling across a highway to FEEL something from the excitement of possible death. I can feel alive without staring imminent death in the face.
I have been growing in patience though I am still impatient for myself to be more patient… And I have mostly let go of this other thing, mostly because I have taken a step back and I have been enjoying the ride so much more this way: I was afraid of being boring. I was afraid that patience would link itself to complacency. But really, so many people say “patience patience” and you only ever see them doing nothing. I was afraid of forgetting about patience and my stillness transforming into frigidity.
So how are we truly patient? Does it ever become frigidity? If we are to remember our intentions than there must always perhaps never truly be complete achieved patience because then there would no longer be anything we had to be patient for? Do we always need tension in our lives to drive us forward? To make us strive to shed layers of ourselves? To find this balance, let things fall no longer try to hold them all . When I think of this balance I see a human shape on one of those circus balancing boards moving furiously back and forth and even forward and sideways fast fast as long outstretched arms hold things trying to balance, a flash of an image as something almost falls and we put it back, I think there are shelves stacked up under and perhaps atop these arms and still the boards is moving furiously.
Peace I see as getting off that board, with nothing. Maybe some clothes 😉
Stepping forward. Smiling sweetly and then running forward on green grass.
Happiness would be adding other joyous people to that picture, sitting in the grass with white hats and guitars and layd out blankets and picnic baskets.
Love would be when dark storms come being surrounded by those people, all of us comforting each other as we perhaps cry and whimper but bring warmth to each other and perhaps manage to sing in the storm, creating light together.
As usual. I’m not sure where I’ve ended up. But I’m sure I’ll get better at carving roads.
I am scared.
That would have bothered me before.
So I guess I have grown in my inner balance, ability ot catch waves or swing on the big tree standing up like Sioban.. 🙂
It is important to understand how others see you. Before I would’ve been ashamed of being scared. I would’ve let that transport me and define me as “You are scared”. This is why I love the study of Social Deviance so much, because it has shown me truly that how we see each other impacts others. That our thoughts and actions and words of to and about others affect them and ourselves. How you see me is important.
Artists. Ubermensch? They know the importance of this exchange. They have felt the high of it. Letting us into their fears and tensions, letting us discner what it shall be and trusting and abandoning and all of us being transported and transformed together. There is power in this. Not only in the music, the artist, but the overall experience. So Music is life. Trust each other, speak your hidden self and be transported together. We need balance, and tension and each other 🙂