I dripped my feelings into song because you can’t hear them, can’t receive them.
I’ve dripped them into a delicate glass flask
Cool ice blue
From my eyes from my soul
the nectar of my heart
pierced by your dream of possibility and escaped in the deep waters of distance.
laying on the ground, elbows folded over face something wet in the crease of my skin.
tears dripping that I do not feel escape my eyes
a song playing in my mind
am I numbed?
a faint recall, a dark shadow roaming around. the pull of my heart towards the crave of death.
mad irritant reject
cigarette to my lips. death on my lips
to reflect this moment.
does it hurt more than I admit?
all of this
so many souls
where is mine
where is mine
I tried looking up on google a quick recap of the stages of culture shock.
You see lately I’ve been quite incapable of .. being? Speaking? Thinking? Doing?
I can do all those things. However it seems my energy is drained, my mana is gone. I don’t have that reserve of push that helps things flow freely. I feel I’ve soaked up so much that isn’t mine. That’s another issue -> I truly have always struggled with others and myself. As in not letting others minds come into mine. As in staying in my bubble. And yet the fact that I love people so much and want to be with them. So how to find this balance. Of being alone. I love my friend Bethany’s concept of “shoulder to shoulder”. This entails being with people but each person in their own. And then coming together.
So I was thinking about this handout I got on some international trip I did. About how culture shock is hard. blabla. or perhaps it was in my cultural anthropology class. About how you might go through a phase of depression. A phase where you find it difficult to make sense of anything.
Technically, at least on the graphs you first stumble upon on a google search, you are then supposed to go upwards in phase of acceptance/learning to cope and then into functioning. Other “more developed” graphs show more fluctuation in emotional state when including both the time in the “host country” and the time in “home country”. So upon arrival in one’s home country you can be irritated and hurt because no one understands your experience etc. And then you are supposed to incorporate what you learned and go on living your life in your “home” country…
Does it refer anywhere here of the possibility or the effect of what CONTINUOUSLY doing this does?
Not just in one graph cycle but in recurrent cycles that shape into something new. A bigger cyclical picture.
One where home is everywhere and nowhere.
One where everywhere, every instant has a honeymoon phase.
One where you don’t simply “get over” the fact that no one understands but that you seek to dive deeper, not simply “incorporate” what you have learned into YOUR culture.
Let’s not even get started on the fact that my culture is not one culture.
So how am I supposed to ever ever ever be the way you say?
Even in counter culture I am not all you want.
Blah. My mind is gone.
Stuck between exhaustion of physical illness and emotional waves. Looking forward, wondering how to build. sitting down.
None of this makes sense.
Hmmm.. Maybe. Just maybe. I’m drifting. Maybe just maybe. I have these words and none of your form. And I hated your form.
And yet now Im blah. lol
Ah leah. leah leah.
My mind is spinning.