“Remain in the Branch little vine”
Words of caution and inspiration spoken to me as I embarked on this journey.
Perhaps I was cocky.
I’m not sure what the emotion is. It’s cousin to the “I am no longer accepting the things I can’t change, I am changing the things I can’t accept”. I was told I couldn’t go alone. I need to go with a team. I was prayed over to have a partner in mission, I was not given a blessing by my mother, only her love and support.
Still I felt I was going, that God would bless me, I was sure of it. I felt that I needed to trust the Creator, trust the Holy Spirit within me, guiding me forward, have faith, have hope, walk in Light, speak in Love. Trust.
Today, 9 months from that day I am confounded. I have practically quit writing.
Places of safety, inspiration and comfort I now find more difficult to express myself in. The whole world is a mess and I would like, truly, truly, for just one thing to be square and clear and fresh and light. I would like to feel this happiness, this truth, this strength, this righteousness. I would like to feel sure of what I know. But my whole world feels a miss. And truly I don’t know if I would want to know deep down deep down fresh up front what is and is not. Because how then, how then do I have true love and appreciation for brother and sister who don’t believe this? True respect, true willingness. Maybe I am kidding myself? Maybe I am pulling myself away from truth, from the very feelings and support I seek?
I speak so much of balance. I speak so much of balance and yet how difficult it is for me. My brother asks me if I am bipolar. That it seems I go from very happy to very sad.
I have 10000 opinions and thoughts. I balance what I say when. It seems writing is no longer a place I can express. What it feels like. It’s cultural, or maybe it’s factual. That humans get offended. How do we speak about things? Does it matter?
There’s so much unsaid.
Pauses in my words where I think about the things, I would not say. When I think about the fact that this is much more for my benefit than for any reader’s. When I think that I don’t even know why I am writing. That a year, two years ago I wrote about my heart, struggles, blessings and delights, horrible realities that I observed, and now, now it all seems so benign and I don’t have the assurance that yes, we all must speak our woes and worries. I am stuck. I feel there are sides to pick I feel like I walk alone. So ironic when I am so inlove with the idea of community and community building yet I am not sure I would ever be able to be a part of one.
Where do we let go? Where can’t we let go?
Honestly one of the hardest things in all of these present days is the dichotomy between Christians and non Christians. I know, I have been told, there are Christians who resonate with the same as me. I am overwhelmed by how we do not understand each other. I am overwhelmed. And I feel this is so uninmportant. I feel like I just need to get up and shake it off and get the f out there. But how? I am digging, digging, digging, to find something that I wonder if its even there? I wonder if it’s going to show up? I wonder if I’m just sticking myself with a sword if I’m asking too many questions, where do I put all that I’ve written, what is the point of all I have written. And I’m still doing it because I’m seeking deep down, that thin string of light that guides me, and I know that I’m walking in the right direction. How do I open flood gates of thoughts and should I ? There’s a storm around me and I wonder what emotion to catch to ride out, while still knowing that I can’t take that emotion alone. It wouldn’t be true. To only have that emotion. To only espouse that reality. Do you not see? Do you not see? How do I see? How do I say? Who am I to say? When so many voices already shout and yell and sing and so many are too faint for us to hear, who am I to dare to add to the cacophony? Will I not lose my voice? How do I give it to others? Truly?
How do we care about things and share? How do we love each other? How do I respond to you when my caring for others angers you? I’m caught in this high speed web. I don’t see the way out and I crave for the ocean.
I was told I stop myself from doing things.
I’m so tired. You know nothing of me. You don’t seek to know anything of me. Like that man who went to my brother in law at church, inviting him to church groups and barely acknowledging my existence. And yes, I know, who am I to assume the reason behind this, and I can think of at least 2 “acceptable” reasons why this interaction happened so.
The Christian thing.
This morning I was praying. Reflecting. Getting to that point where I truly acknowledge that we are but human.
Still, this morning, I was seeking to recognize where God has brought me. A year ago, I could make perfect sense and peace of the unknowable. I knew, through my experience, through my skin, through my heart and soul what God had done in my life. Even if I can’t explain all and give you the answer that makes you happy. Now. There are some things I can’t conciliate. I don’t know how to . Trust me I wish I could just figure this out in a clearly structured essay. I can barely figure out what I am saying. I’m trying.
What is something that is turning around and around?
I feel unseen. I feel people continuously judge me and I am tired of opinions about where I am and how I am. I want to run away from the whole world.
But then how do I build anything ? And is it worth building things that will but crumble down? I stop myself from doing things you say. Perhaps I am preparing myself to do them well. Perhaps that’s not possible and you’re right. But I would like for you to acknowledge it’s all a mess. But is that evident? Can we not create beautiful, coherent, whole things? Will we only create things that are screwed up in some way or another? In ways that harm our hearts, our minds, our souls, our surroundings? Many of my friends hold the strong argument that we are so dissonant as a society because we are in disconnection with nature. I don’t think that being reconnected to nature and reoriented to the needs of the natural world is going to solve all the issues. Don’t throw the baby out with the water. Broken families, broken promises, broken hearts, scattered across the road, one love, one moment, rushed away.. What of our hearts and the depth of our souls? What of the beauty of family? What of the hardship of a caring father to guarantee the well being of his children with food, warmth, shelter, peace? I watched It’s a Wonderful Life last night. Reflecting upon all that this man George Bailey does for others.
It’s not a pleasant feeling, to give up all your dreams. It’s pulling at your heart. And what are my dreams, what is my purpose? I’d give it up, I swear. But what if our dreams are our purpose?
Anyways, I was reflecting upon that time of life. How were they to know? That earth is being destroyed? And is there not a multitude of beauty and sweetness to this story? To this life?
How do we not throw the baby out with the water?
Still, I feel there is a minimum number of people inspired by Geroge Bailey, to embody him. No I feel what our culture has taken from this movie is that “If you don’t build your dream, you’ll help build someone else’s”. Dude. What’s so wrong with building someone else’s? What so wrong with serving others?
You see the big bad guy in this movie is Mr Potter “the richest and meanest man in the county”. Mr Potter works alone, he wants the working class to work hard and he profits from it. George Bailey is in charge of the Building and Loan Company which embodies people working together. One’s money deposit goes to financing another’s house and all depend upon each other. What would happen if all of these people worked their own dream instead of other’s? I think we would end up with a couple Potter’s and a lot of envious, bitter folk.
And that, is what I feel like I’m surrounded by.
I think of the Medicine Tribe and Uncle Joe and know it is otherwise, people are striving for something else. Still, it worries me, this baby in the water. It’s a Wonderful Life is a treasure from our culture. Let’s not forget where do we come from there are treasures still, let’s not forget, appreciate the humane in our blood. Let’s not forget the pain lived through. Balance in judging. To realize what might we have done in that world? What might we have done in World War II? What might we have done now?
How do I conciliate, love, and find truth in a Christian culture and church that does not stand for the afflicted? That ignores my presence, that hurts this earth, that does not speak out against injustice, that does not act out against it, that lives a lifestyle that contributes to it? How do I remain close to God when I find it so difficult to be accepted into a community to share this experience of God?
I express these things with great difficulty and knowing I am the worst hypocrite of all. I expect so much of this world. I expect so much of the communities I am linked to. I expect righteousness and truth and transparency and love and life giving light.
My thoughts and words do not justly represent or embody this.
But I leave this in your hands. And maybe I need responses to help me realign my thoughts and actions.