I’ve gone so far from who I’ve been
There was a time I didn’t think of who I wanted to be
so engulfed in the present me, body, experience.
I was trapped. I went from feelings of pain, confusion, appreciation, complicity, desire, companionship.
Those surrounding me where my whole life. I placed all my bets in them. All my strength, all my comfort, resting on the ties of our relationships.
Ties that were cut and ripped and twisted and burned.
I fell as all I knew crumbled.
Face to face with all I could not handle alone. All I refused to handle with others. I simply wanted them in my life, their presence should have alleviated all else.
Twisted and turned a while more.
My mind body and soul suffering
Till finally I could no longer and perhaps it wasn’t all that sudden
that I found in falling though I fell hard there was ground beneath me and there were prayers surrounding me. always
I found when I removed myself from my imperfect, stormy situation and served another in need, then I became aligned to my purpose.
Maybe not all of us have the same definition of “in need”. Indeed, we are all in need in some way or another at some point or another.
When I refer to it, I am pointing to that exacerbated need, that without your physical presence and this physical time, the physical one you serve would die.
In this service, I have felt “a piece of the puzzle” to be filled in. Because it not only reveals the physical truth of the city you are in, in service, it echoes an ontological truth: that as humans we need each other. We are connected. It puts into play a deep pain of need to be seen, to be connected, to walk through barriers. It shows the power of a smile and of a gift.
It shows me I cannot control situations, relationships. It shows I can only give and expect nothing back. It shows I can only love. What else is there to do ?
Maybe on the street there is more to do.
To enact change. To provide alternatives.
I observe myself. I am on a journey, I know. I feel I know somewhat where it will go. Sometimes these days, I get caught up and fear not getting there.
I am seeking to enact what I know and dig deeper into it, to serve others.
These days I get engulfed in whether or not I am “doing it right” and replay 500 ways of doing it. Still, as I look back and look where I want to go, I recognize whre I have come from. I am grateful for the growth, for the distinction, for the thoughts and actions that drive me now though I become dissatisfied with not knowing what I want to do; the beauty still is that I want to know it. That alone I am grateful for. That this occupies my mind. So let me take a step back, from the strong force and weight that tells me I need to find THE answer and enact it and the weight and shame and finger pointing if I am not finding the answer. Let me go back to what has aligned me. Service. No question asked. Connection. No judgment passed. Continuing to enact this and apply this to others and myself.
Continuing to trust that I walk forward, guided and taken care of by a Loving, Eternal God that offers life and restoration, healing and truth through Living waters and a comforting Presence.