Not only in joy

Sometimes words fail me.


They seem to have been more and more.



What of when ideas fail me?


Do we find a new one? Do we jump back and forth examining the product of these ideas, seeing whether or not they have the impact aligned with their essence?

Do we rework the core, do we rework the practice? Do we let go? Do we create more?


Emily Rosen has been of late a reminder of why I speak the way I do, why I write the way I do.

Brutal honesty.

Stop Hiding who you are, how you feel, what you want.

Be a person you would like to be friends with so at least if you have no friends, you will enjoy being with yourself.


Honestly. I’m not sure that’s the case right now. I like being alone. But I can’t say that I, seeing myself is enough. I think that has to do with how strongly I believe we need each other. We are not sustained by our selves alone. We are meant for relationship. For creation.

How does this happen ?

Certain situations lead to certain outcomes. I have always been someone who needs to be aware, seeking to recognize what is going on through this relationship, through this environment.
I reflect. On the pain of change. Of movement. Of loss. Of friendships, confidants, loves.

I reflect on the irony. Of knowing the need for others, for connections and yet so faced with the shedding of skins and connections.

I am here. I am always here. That was my motto. It has been a little changed and shaped through experience. Through seeking to not only love others but to truly love myself. To be aware of what situations and environments are created by the connection of souls. Whether or not such a connection is life giving. So do we reshape it in leaving? Then the paradox in how we need each other yet need to move through each other to seek life. Sometimes I wonder if I am a stuck up perfectionist. And then I wonder at why oh why is wholesomeness to be seen as a burden? The paradox of seeking so much to be united, to be a support, to bring that truth into reality and practice yet also needing to care for my soul. I feel the weight of the very pains I witness. That we are too self involved, that we do not support each other. What happens when I feel I am perpetuating this in seeking to be alive?

What of seeing pain and seeking solutions and understanding and tools and the very seeking of these leads to a pain needing to be healed? And the healing of this pain needs to be attained through more tribulations.


What of being alone?

What of this feeling I have that I am most truly aligned to seeking truth and my path when I am removed from all else? That this is when I truly know, truly feel God’s presence. Otherwise, everything is blurry.

In this, I am willing to sacrifice this clarity, carrying this presence with me I know though I do not always see. Though I feel exposed. Though I know I err and fail. Though I know I need so much more strength. So much more kindness, so much more grace, so much less judgment. I know my eyes are sharp and piercing. I seek for them to be sharp and open to hearts and souls and that my presence be healing. That my hands be healing. What if the path to this is not healing?
I struggle with wanting things to be whole and aligned in all of their identity, that the path to something good should be good if it is good. That something for healing should in its practice be healing. Though perhaps this is a lesson to learn. A beauty of humanity. That we may offer things we do not have. That we may give things we do not receive. And perhaps one day we will.


I am unsure everyday. I still walk through this.
Someone asked me if it had been a long time since I was truly happy. If I felt lost. The questions were of bad taste to me. They were simplifications. They were pointed. I don’t believe this hope, this faith, would be so strong, so true, if it were felt always. I think we are complex beings, leading complex lives, hurting for the pain of this world, seeking to see it and answer to it. It is a difficult task. Perhaps my mission in life is not to be “truly happy”. Perhaps my mission is to recognize the pain of those around me. To empathize and bring to light the pains that need healing. How can you be joyous in this? How can I be joyous when children are killed and raped? When we care not for the hungry, when we care not for the trees, when we are full of judgment and speak words that scar. When I seek answers and solutions and it seems these often hurt in other ways. When this world is broken and we seek to kiss and restore it and still are hurt ourselves. No remaining in happiness is not witnessing.

Our Creator weeps. There is eternal joy, there is life; there is strength, in the waters of life. Let us not forget why we fight the fight, why we weep. Open your eyes. Do not seek repose, seek to be a gift of life.
Speak of Jesus. To follow his path? Was his path one of happiness? I am not saying we are to remain in a state of depression. I am just so so tired of this culturized idea that we are to seek happiness alone in this life. Fulfillment is more than happiness. Humans are more than unitone colors. Our Creator is more than joy.


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