Sustain my heart

I could go on about the things you say that hurt, the things they say that hurt, the things that bother me, the ways that no one gets, the pains no one understands and they don’t realize they are poking, that when I try to share that, then it perhaps turns it even further from noticing, understanding, feeling that pain I speak of. Like a glass chamber I’ve been put in that reflects false images and ones of what I wish to say and share and connect.

Stop. Stop right there.

Maybe there’s a balance. Maybe I’ll go back and forth. What I know, is that my heart cannot sustain love, appreciation, acceptance when I am in disagreement of another.

But we all have opinions right?

How do we share those opinions? How do we grow in those opinions?

My heart healed when I quit rejecting. When I no longer looked for all that I disagreed with but found in things that I disagreed with, things I could learn, things I could appreciate, things I could grow from. When I found respect instead of rejection. When I saw the human standing before me. No longer seeing that human as a race, as an embodiment, simply as a human on a journey.


So how then, do I stand for what I believe? While still respecting those humans in front of me, in compassion, that I do not agree with, that perhaps do hold opinions, beliefs that not only hurt others but lead others to hurt others.

Perhaps there is a balance.

My heart, now, yearns for a true acceptance and understanding of all. No matter what they do, think, feel. How do we do that when we hold truths to be true and certain facts to be immoral, wrong, hurtful, degrading?

Grace. All I know is that need for grace. This is why, having found, having experienced that grace that does surpass all understanding, that heals and mends in unknown ways, I believe in the God I believe in. I can’t comprehend what I strive to. And I still strive to. I have not found, away from the shadows of those wings, anything that brings such healing, such mysterious answerings to my pains and questions.

I still strive. Sometimes often feels like trying to put a rectangle into a triangle whole.

Often feels like I am not doing anything I need to be and have 1000 things to do and am not moving forward. And still I do believe it is part of my contract, my purpose, to share this journey, these pains, fears, doubts, dreams, cheers.


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