May 27th 2015
What an amazing time this has been.
I guess about a month ago I told Sophie, while shell hunting at the beach with her how much I just wanted to live on a boat. To not only see on the shores but to be out on the sea, to know her life an strife.
I feel as if I’ve been a boat set out onto the waters these past weeks.
Days and hours of ultimate happiness and ecstatic excitement contrast with times of those peaceful steady waters of observation and complete presence in waters we before did not know how to sail as well as those storms and arisings.
What a trip. The human life.
I see myself today faced with many things I had not faced for very long.
I am somewhat perplexed. Somewhat annoyed. Somewhat discouraged. That these feelings have not been forever banished. that different islands resemble themselves.
I keep myself saying “Hey, look how well you handle this now, look how you have grown” and yet I am plagued by my crazy harpiness as well.
That my emotions are overwhelming and that they consume themselves;
that I want to enter into relationships with others yet fear ardently not to be loved and to be utmostly hurt.
To expect too much. To not expect enough. To not recognize my mind and heart and to be overwhelmed by confusion and anxiety.
Peace, peace ,peace.
I called for adventure, for satisfaction of wanderlust.
I cannot help being a weary beaten wolf that watches the steps of those coming close. Do you love me for my magnificence? Do you hunt me for your pride?