“Only Sad People Write” she said.
I think it’s a lot more complex than that.
For starters. That we are not “sad” or “happy” people. We are people. We feel sad and happy and angry and inspired. There is a sadness that doesn’t write. There is an inlove that flows like the strong currents of a rushing spring.
“It comes with age,” she spoke of wisdom. “Does it just happen or do you realize you have understood?” I asked as I was thinking that day, we are all children, just in bigger, older body bags, lost and clueless and functioning, acting. “Both” she responded. There was some relief in her answer. Some of all these questions and confusions will be answered, resolved then. Or perhaps not for me. Perhaps always to have no answer. Nothing set in stone. Well. Almost one thing. There is a weight. I seek to face it. I wonder if all things are linked to it. Single use waste. Accumulation of riches. Unawareness of the world. Unengagement with the world. With community. Living to get by..
Nothing set in stone but that one thing.
You see I would say that one thing is my God.
You know what all the other sand blowing is?
Your culture. Not my God.
And so it is my culture. And so I feel stuck in a sandstorm.
My voice stolen from my throat. My words frozen in mind before my Spirit catches them. Blown in the wind. Voice hoarse.Where is spirit where is spirit. An utter lack of inspiration. An utter lack of focus.
I started watching the Crown. Last night I dreamed of the Queen’s mouth being disfigured. Sores around her lips as if they had been stitched closed. Philip only mentioned something about a sickness of some sort. The queen was silent. She was not outspoken, she was not downcast. Still she radiated somehow. something.
What makes a queen a queen ? Last night the episode I watched was the Coronation. The Duke of Windsor speaks of the Queen, ” a simple girl with no imagination” becomes a Goddess behind the veil, the ceremony.
Throughout the episodes, the theme of identity has been present, as Elizabeth is no longer Elizabeth but the Queen. The Queen is an embodiment, a symbol. Imagine a person bearing the weight of that symbol, and yet needing to be as light as a feather in their own person hood. As little a person.
What image do you bear? What are you the embodiment of? Do we all to a certain extent embody something? We put on a cap, a mask, a suit, to act in this world. It is not in a hidden way. It is the beauty of Creation, to mold ones’ self to an image to act upon this world. This is why we speak to leave an impression. Manipulation, as in the act of interacting with one’s surroundings is not perverse in of itself. Know where your acts come from. Question their source. Question the thing that sustains them. The energy behind them. Allow them to be put in question by others. Go back deep within to know more, of the source, know more of the way it travels, know more of yourself, know more of the world that surrounds you as it interacts with you. To know yourself is to know the world around you. This is not because you are the same. To know yourself, you must know how YOU are in in this world, not according to your own skewed judgment and perception. Through engaging and SEEKING TO KNOW others, those around you, person, tree, bird, you SEE who YOU are through Listening to How they see you. Don’t like what you see? Adjust. It’s still you. How YOU chose to be in this situation. Yet there is a limit to this, I am well aware. My brother tells me this about my writing, that I need to edit it. I fear that if/when I change it, it is changed. It not longer holds that magic that the instant of pouring out had. “It’s still you”. “It’s still you that is editing.” The creation is still you.
What if no one understands what I write? Do I not wish to make a path for them to reach who I am? To reach what I am saying? Not simply wait on the other side of the river for a brave soul to jump in. I am the river. Maybe some will. The writing is the river. Still there is something to be said of the power of a bridge. The mystical wonder of dropping a branch in the stream and seeing it pass the other side. It speaks of the nature of the thing. There are different ways of engagement.
Last week I had another dream. A friend from high school was with me and it came to my attention that this whole group of people I was “close” to had a group chat where they were expressing how much they disliked me. That was the sole purpose of that chat. I took her phone and texted “F you all” . “Leah, I can help you. Don’t you think that if everyone dislikes you it’s because you need to change something?” I was disgruntled and walked away. The emotions were more of distaste, not too hurt, not too upset. Just over it. Not overwhelmingly so. Hers were of matter of factness. No apology for, “the ugliness” of the words and intentions.
Upon relaying this to a couple people, their immediate responses were “of course it’s not you!” and pretty much in accordance with the “f you all” in my dream.
This isn’t a yes or no scenario. However I do think it is highly revealing of the culture we live in. Whoever we is.
“We” do not change for others.
“We” are always right, “they” are wrong. “We” do not want to engage with what they say, their “ugliness” because it is deprecating to us.
See there is a part of me that has learnt that yes, TAKE yourself OUT of that situation of abuse. People can be ugly. People can be mean. They can dislike you and speak poison into your life.
I think very often I have allowed myself to bear that.
Still. There is something I’m trying to put my finger on.
Somewhere, I think we are so hyper aware of “NO” that we are unwilling, unable to engage with how others see us.
Is the “Get Behind Me Satan!” reaction so instilled in our culture, is the idea of our identity so Self Created that we do not allow anyone to distort the very frail perception of our self image. Why is it so hurtful, so unbearable to us to not be seen as who we believe ourselves to be? Why is it so difficult for us to engage with people who do not like us?
How can we balance disliking someone with not demeaning that person?
And here is an even broader question: Is dislike an emotion I wish to bear?
Why do we even dislike?
“fitting in”, friendship, love, affection have been central questions in my life. A counsellor in college got it all wrong as she spoke to me of wanting to fit in, insecurities, boys. I felt like she thought I wanted to be on the soccer team or something. (See that huge judgement and assumption on my part there? booom) But I felt like she didn’t know me. And no that’s not who I was, that’s not what I was dealing with. That’s not what I wanted or needed. My program director in Thailand spoke to me of friendship. Would it be special if everyone was special? Not everyone needs to like you.
Still isn’t there a difference between not liking something about someone and not liking that person ? What the heck does “liking” even mean? *googles liking* -> “a feeling of regard or fondness.” hmmm…. liking definition psychology: Reciprocal liking is a psychological term to describe the phenomenon of people tending to better like those people who like them. It reflects the notion that people feel better about themselves knowing that they are likable and enjoy the company of those who give them positive feelings.
Cool. Thanks Google (y)
So Liking. Comes from knowing You are Liked/Likeable. Which Generates Positive Emotions.
What Makes a person likeable ? A likeable person.
What makes a Queen a Queen?
Perception or Identity?
you got it, not a yes or no question.
Getting back to those positive feelings though. Are you utterly screwed if you don’t give positive feelings?
If you feel you can’t be likeable than are you liked?
I think there is somewhat of a vicious cycle that can be found here.
I think there is also somewhat of a paradox in American culture, as we so clearly believe in Self Creation. Yet this can often lead to Self Destruction as we can no longer factor in the role of the other.
I don’t think “positive” emotions only come from expressing happiness. Two negatives make a positive for instance. This is to say, that a feeling of liking can come from two individuals SHARING space, echoing, a “negative feeling”. When we are alone with that sadness, we stay sad. When we are echoed with another, we can like the other.
Allow other to enter into the creation of your identity.
I wish I hadn’t responded “F you all” in that dream. I think I was trying to save myself, wrestling with creating healthy boundaries and honoring my sacred self. The risk of allowing others to enter into your creation is that you might take on some traits that “aren’t you” or who you want to be. Fear not, continue to create. Mold away. And in your continued creation, perhaps others will be inspired to continue their creation. To stretch and expand and experiment and experience. To know.
I wish I had read those texts, reflected upon them. Interacted. Not reacted. Pain does that. Stings and makes the sweetest pup growl and snap in an instinct of survival. Wash away that bitterness. Jump into the stream. It might carry you away. There is not one yes and one no, though there may be many yeses and many nos.
What makes a Queen a Queen?
The sown lips that do not bite back. The heart that remains pure, still and strong. The light that continues to shine in comfort and strength. Sustained. Pure. Sustained.