I’m sitting in my room, my legs are throbbing: the crazy cold air conditioning plays real not cool tricks on them.
I am filed with an amazing presence. Something beyond relief.
I made it through the most challenging moment I’ve had in this program.
This past week was difficult on so many levels. Emotional, physical, mental.
I honestly had moments where I didn’t believe I was going to make it through. Where I didn’t believe I was, in essence, either “good enough” or fit for this. And that is what is so beautiful about perseverance. About practice.
Fears don’t go away when you stop buying into them. I think you go through periods where you really place nothing in them and are free from them. But sometimes, they are completely legitimate. You can’t accurately gauge your “success”, you can’t know the future. But this is where practice comes in.
I allow myself to feel. I move forward. I have walked this path before. I have walked the path of pain and fear and unknown and wonder and discomfort and sitting with pain. It’s not comfortable. Sometimes you think you walk this linear path. And that you’ll find the end goal. It’s really an exercise though. A meditation. A practice.
And no it’s not some boring square practice. It’s living. You can’t make this up. YOU actually have to show up. As you ACTUALLY are to be able to move through it, with all of your layers.
I kept my eyes on my goal. It was scary because even though everyone was telling me I could do it, and do it wonderfully, that still meant I needed to it. I was in the process of doing it and it was so difficult. Doesn’t matter if I can do it, this is hard. But I percevered. And I see myself, gaining in dexterity.
I powered through extensive research on crimes against humanity in the Central African Republic and grew in my ability to present this in a specific setting to an audience. In the end, it doesn’t matter if this isn’t my prefered setting. Not where I thrive. That’s the point. To continuously grow. Sometimes I’m afraid “It’s just not me”.
I knew I would be able to let myself release a little once this presentation and midterm were done. I have another assignment due tomorrow that I am less concerned about.
Following my midterm in my Leadership and Organization Class, in which I was able to talk about Activism, Intentional Community, Uncle Joe, Nahko, the Medicine Tribe and Harmony Park, our professor handed out the infamous surveys I had reached out to people to fill out.
Upon seeing the first entry, I choked up.
Someone I love immensily and don’t always get to see myself as having value in their eyes.
More tears, laughter, forgotten moments of strength, legacies of strength, reoccurring themes…. It was an amazing gift to me.
I covered my face with the handout, remembering a similar experience in a class that truly changed my life. Dr Winslow had asked us to write out our obituary, if we died tomorrow, what we thought people would say. I spent the whole time argumenting about objectivity and inability for me to know what people think of me and talking about Fitzgerald and our misconception of our virtues. She had us stop. And then called us to write what would be the best thing someone could say, if we were to die being all that we wish to be and be seen as and do and accomplish and affect.
I covered my face with my computer as I knew myself caught. I realized how I had soooo undersold myself. As I wrote out a love letter to myself from the eyes of a hopeful future, I realized with awe and gentle amaze, that I already was so much of who I wanted to be. And that was beautiful.
Today, I was given the gift to know, that I already am, seen by you, as who I strive to be.
I was reminded of important lessons I’ve been lax on inacting, namely that every single thing I do shapes the work of art that you see, affecting your life. I’ve been lax on showing up that way. I’ve been lax on creating. I’ve been lax on stepping through fears. I’ve been lax on relaying my struggles.
I haven’t not been. This has been an amazing gift for me, a reminder. And I can honestly say, that I truly am who I want to be. I am aligned in who I am. And I could die today, at peace. And knowing that, saying that, calls me to continue to strive to be. Thank you. This is what feeds me. This is what I want to see. Honestly, right before this class, I don’t remember why, maybe all the human rights abuses, maybe all the angst I see and feel, I was in a mindset of being stuck. A mindset of bankruptcy. Loves, ideals, imagination, inspiration, power to create, were stagnant. I couldn’t find my way, the way out. I felt overwhelmed by all of this. A heavy mist.
Jayne, my wonderful friend from Kenya reaffirmed me. Jayne shared “what this says, and reminds us is that each of us has a Hero within that we are to share with the world”.
I was given a ride to my apartment and was greeted by a letter I’ve been waiting for from one of my dear friends.
I perceverid, I felt overwhelemed, but I made it through and have been showered with gifts.
A pretty beautiful feeling.
I am finding the simplicity in the complexity. Seeking the lessons. Seeking the love. Seeking the opportunity to thrive and support. To grow, to be challenged in my vision of the world, to peel skins of judgment and apprehension. To be strong in the face of the slightest pain and hurt and yet vulnerable to be hurt by these.
Being who you are.
I remember, that my tears, my heart are what opens doors to others.
So I’ll continue, to remember to open the door on my heart.